Avoidance Behavior #3: Peacekeeping (not Peacemaking)

In the name of harmony, many of us have learned to keep the peace. We smooth over tension, swallow our discomfort, and avoid hard conversations. We are great at ignoring the elephant in the room and pretending everything if "fine." In other words, peacemaking is avoidance in disguise. But Scripture doesn’t call us to be peacekeepers—it calls us to be peacemakers. And there’s a world of difference between the two.

Peacekeeping vs. Peacemaking: A Biblical Distinction

Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9). Peacemaking is active, not passive (Pens & Wrenches, 2025). It’s rooted in truth, justice, and reconciliation. It requires courage to confront uncomfortable situations for the sake of healing.

Peacekeeping, on the other hand, often masquerades as virtue. It avoids conflict at all costs. It prioritizes surface calm over authenticity. As one Christian counselor puts it, “Peacekeepers avoid conflict to maintain the illusion of peace, while peacemakers engage conflict to create real peace” (Everett Christian Counseling, 2025).

Scripture never models avoidance as a path to wholeness. Jesus Himself did not shy away from conflict in the name of what was right, such as flipping tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12), confronting hypocrisy (Matthew 23), and calling His disciples to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). True peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of righteousness (James 3:18).

The Shadow Side of Peacekeeping

Carl Jung might say that chronic peacekeeping is a sign of an unintegrated shadow self. The shadow is the part of us we repress and is embodied by emotions. Whether it be anger, fear, assertiveness, or grief—because we’ve learned it’s “unacceptable.” For the peacekeeper, this often means denying their own needs, boundaries, and voice in order to maintain faux harmony.

But what’s repressed doesn’t disappear—it festers and then begin to leak out somewhere. Jung warned that “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” (Jung, C., 1959). The peacekeeper may begin to feel resentful, anxious, or emotionally exhausted without knowing why. They may struggle with passive-aggression, martyrdom, or internalized shame. Inside is a piece of the self (many times from childhood) begging to be seen, imploring the conscious to acknowledge their boundaries, and longing to be stood up for.

Peacemaking, by contrast, requires shadow work. It invites us to bring our hidden parts into the light—to name our anger and other negative emotions, to grieve what’s been lost, to speak truth even when our voice shakes. It’s not about being confrontational, but about being whole and genuine.

A Call to Courageous Peace

If you’ve been a peacekeeper, you’re not alone. Many of us, especially women raised in Christian homes, were taught that “nice” is the same as “godly” or that not making waves and timidity were somehow signs of femininity. But Jesus didn’t die for us to be nice. He died to make us new. He died for the truth. And really, over the long run, peacekeeping only builds resentment and loss. I have personally known women who refused to speak up for themselves or what is right in one way or another and years later become extremely bitter and loathing towards others (and perhaps themselves). I'm convinced that some of these women even contributed to their own illnesses because of the avoidance and conflict. It isn't worth it- much better to learn to bear temporary discomfort and the ability to stand in disagreement with others but retain dignity than to end up with a lifetime of self-betrayal.

Peacemaking is a holy calling. It’s the work of those who are willing to be misunderstood, to risk discomfort, and to trust that God’s truth is more powerful than our fear. It's about trusting in God to give you the right words and for the Holy Spirit to go before you in the name of truth, reconciliation, and true cooperation. It’s not about winning arguments- it’s about acceptance and understanding.

So ask yourself gently: Am I avoiding conflict to keep peace, or am I stepping into truth to make peace?

Reflection Prompt:   Where in your life are you keeping peace instead of making it? What truth might God be inviting you to speak in love?

Sources:  

Everett Christian Counseling. (2025). Peacekeeper or Peacemaker: Which One Are You? Peacekeeper or Peacemaker: Which One are You? - Everett Christian Counseling 

Pens & Wrenches. (2025). Peacemaker vs Peacekeeper: What’s the Biblical Difference?  

Jung, C. G. (1959). Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self. Princeton University Press.

James 3:18, Matthew 5:9, Ephesians 4:15, Matthew 21:12, Matthew 23